Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
WHAT . . . A RIOT!
Life doesn't get more hilarious than when Chelsea Handler takes aim with her irreverent wit. Who else would send all-staff emails to smoke out the dumbest people on her show? Now, in this new collection of original essays, the #1 bestselling author of Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea delivers one laugh-out-loud moment after another as she sets her sights on the ridiculous side of childhood, adulthood, and daughterhood.
Family moments are fair game, whether it's writing a report on Reaganomics to earn a Cabbage Patch doll, or teaching her father social graces by ordering him to stay indoors. It's open season on her love life, from playing a prank on her boyfriend (using a ravioli, a fake autopsy, and the Santa Monica pier) to adopting a dog so she can snuggle with someone who doesn't talk. And everyone better duck for cover when her beach vacation turns into matchmaking gone wild. Outrageously funny and deliciously wicked, CHELSEA CHELSEA BANG BANG is good good good good!
CHELSEA HANDLER ON...
Being unpopular: "My parents couldn't have been more unreasonable when it came to fads or clothes that weren't purchased at a pharmacy."
Living with her boyfriend: "He's similar to a large toddler, the only difference being he doesn't cry when he wakes up."
Appreciating her brother: "He's a certified public accountant, and I have a real life."
Arm-wrestling a maid of honor: "It wasn't her strength that intimidated me. It was the starry way her eyes focused on me, like Mike Tyson getting ready to feed."
conversation over, or are we still talking?” “No one in the building has to know. We can bring it up through the balcony outside.” “Chelsea, we can’t get a dolphin. This isn’t an aquarium, and there is no way to hide transporting a dolphin through our balcony. This isn’t a private residence. It’s a condominium. There are people everywhere. If you know a dolphin dealer who can get a little-person dolphin, then I will do everything in my power to get you one, but my fear is that it will
of chemicals. I went back to the table and asked Calypso if he had any Vicodin, which he did. I bought two and split one with myself at the table. Three hours later my dream of seeing a bride smoking a cigarette and Ivory’s dream of seeing Rooster introduce himself to Ted in the middle of the dance floor both came true. Ted came up to me drenched in his own dance sweat. “That Poultry guy will not leave me alone. Can we go now? Seriously, Chelsea, you’re lucky I came into your life when I did.
wanted for the horse. “This little fella’s not for sale,” he informed me. “They take a lot of work, a lot of attention,” he said with a snicker. Then he added, “And they don’t like vodka.” I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn’t mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I’ve always had a disliking for
would always look for the positive in any situation. Even if that situation involved me having all of my sexual encounters up to the age of thirty with my sister connected to me. For instance, on the upside, I would be able to hide my coslopus’s contents under the mound of pubic hair that was right around the corner. Were pubes better than just the pincushion by itself? This topic alone plagued me for a fortnight. Pubic hair or pincushion by itself? It basically came down to six of one, half a
told Sloane. “You are thirteen. You need to get a grip.” “If Chelsea’s going to get one, then I want one.” “Sloane, you are a little old for a Cabbage Patch doll,” my mother told her. “Can we please focus on my doll? Did you get the brown hair with green eyes?” “Chelsea, please write it down for me. It sounds very specific. How many different types are there?” “Thousands!” I wailed. “I don’t want a blonde or anyone with brown eyes. Green eyes. They have ones with two dimples, but I just want