Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus
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Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, bestselling author, and Wheel of Fortune contestant Dave Barry exposes the shattering truth. Whether he's splashing with the U.S. sychronized swim team ("Picture a bunch of elegant swans swimming with a flailing sea cow") or reliving the Pilgrims' first Thanksgiving ("We've decided to obliterate your culture, but first may we try the stuffing?"), Dave Barry proves that one man can make a difference--by having the guts to answer the questions few people bother to ask:
¸ What makes people want to eat animals they would never consider petting?
¸ Where do the World's Three Most Boring People meet?
¸ Why is Colorado freezing so many human gonads?
¸ And just how does Oprah have the power to turn a 1957 Hotpoint toaster manual into a #1 bestseller?
information, which is how I got a good job in journalism. So I urge you to work hard in school and learn your history, because—who knows?—one of you could be the next Abraham Lincoln, inventor of the steam engine. THIS POET DON’T KNOW IT Recently I got a very nice computer-generated letter from an outfit called the National Library of Poetry. “Dear Dave,” the letter begins. “Over the past year or so we have been reviewing the thousands of poems submitted to us, as well as examining
upholstery. No, seriously, the scrub sink is where they wash their hands before operating, and Dr. Bahnson said that this notice had been prominently displayed there for several months. It is titled—I am not making this up—”EMERGENCY PROCEDURE: FIGHTING FIRE ON THE SURGICAL PATIENT.” Yes, you read that correctly. Dr. Bahnson told me that, although it has not happened to him, fires sometimes break out on patients during surgery, particularly when hot medical implements accidentally come into
tension! But it’s not just Princess Diana: Wedding planning makes all brides crazy. Anybody who doubts this statement should investigate what actually goes on at a “bridal shower.” I don’t know about you, but I used to think that a shower was just a sedate little party wherein the bride’s women friends gave thoughtful little gifts to the bride and ate salads with low-fat dressing on the side. Wrong! You would not believe the bizarre things women do at these affairs. For example, I have it on
there I attempted to explain to a nurse what had happened; this was difficult because (a) I wasn’t totally coherent, and (b) the nurse had never played laser tag. “He shot you in the eye with a laser?” she said. “Gnhnong,” I said. “Have you had a tetanus shot recently?” she said. “YES!” I said, demonstrating the brain’s amazing recuperative power to lie in an emergency. They stuck some kind of needle in me anyway (hey, rules are rules). Then various doctors had a look at me, and, after a
an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York. Grateful acknowledgment is made for permission to reprint the following copyrighted material: The Miami Herald for the photographs and the Asbury Park Press for the excerpts from the article “Man Struck with Pasta Also Stabbed.” Special thanks to Bill Frakes for use of the photograph and to the Popular Music and Society journal for use of the excerpts from the article “Air Ball: Spontaneous Large