Diary of an Uber Driver

Diary of an Uber Driver

Ben Phillips

Language: English

Pages: 81


Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub

"It doesn't matter that you're ugly and have a small d!#k, you'll still have women throwing themselves at you! Won't you!"

Welcome to Uber driving - and this hilarious and poignant account of driving Sydneysiders to and from locations wild, famous and infamous. Uber drivers get an intimate glimpse into people's lives - from their morning routines to their despair after being ditched at the pub (see ugly dick comments). They act as sounding boards, take the rap for loud music, see people at their finest and weakest, and most importantly get to observe a cast of thoroughly extraordinary characters that make a big metropolis.

From Jacob the rent boy to Lydia the neglectful, the modern Uber driver sees it all. And when people ask our driver why doesn't he get a real job, he thinks of the fantastic stories he gets each day, and says, "No thanks."

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toward the destination Holly had entered which was fourteen minutes away. I kept shooting nervous glances over at Holly who just sat there, shoulders slumped, staring at the floor. She took deep, sporadic breaths through her nose to stem the flow of snot which was forming a thick moustache on her top lip. Every five or so seconds she would hiccup in pain. I didn’t know what to do. I considered turning on the radio to break the silence to get through the next fourteen minutes. Thinking that might

toward the motorway. The conversation returned to the endless possibilities for Liana and Gabby’s grand Australian adventure. Gabby was mid-sentence when she was rudely interrupted by the sounding of a car horn. I looked in my rear-vision mirror and saw the same taxi swerving all over the road, flashing its lights and incessantly beeping its horn. Obviously this taxi driver wasn’t as concerned about keeping their demerit points as I was. “This guy seems pissed!” whispered Liana from the back

finger at me. “Felicity, Lauren, Pandora! Our Uber is here!” she bellowed into the crowd of people cascading down the driveway like a swarm of drunken bees. Three heavily intoxicated girls, holding their high heels in their hands above their heads, emerged from the raucous crowd and began stumbling and swaying toward my car on their tiptoes. “Tonight is the night I get spewed on,” I thought to myself as I breathed a deep sigh and hesitantly unlocked my doors. All four tumbled into my car. For

floated through the front entrance. I had reached the perfect level of drunkenness. A warm, smiling light-headedness, which can only be achieved by drinking good beer and keeping better company. The tooting of a car horn alerted me to the arrival of my Uber. A shiny grey Volkswagen pulled up at the kerb and I could see a hand give me a “thumbs up” from behind the sun-drenched windscreen. I opened the front door and sat down beside the mystery driver. A young man in his early twenties greeted me

the RBT lottery. Apparently not. “TURN IT DOWN AND SHUT UP!” the officer roared through gritted teeth. My stomach immediately dropped at this abrupt show of aggression from the officer. “No worries at all,” I said politely with a smile as I immediately turned off the stereo. The rugby boys stopped singing as the policeman stalked the passenger side of my car, glaring at my new friends like they had just killed a puppy. The rugby boys could see the funny side as Matty said under his breath,

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