I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids

I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids

Jen Kirkman

Language: English

Pages: 224

ISBN: 1476739943

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub


In this instant New York Times bestseller that’s “boldly funny without being anti-mom” (In Touch), comedian and Chelsea Lately regular Jen Kirkman champions every woman’s right to follow her own path—even if that means being “childfree by choice.”

In her debut memoir, actress and comedian Jen Kirkman delves into her off-camera life with the same snarky sensitivity and oddball humor she brings to her sold-out standup shows and the Chelsea Lately roundtable, where she is a writer and regular performer. As a woman of a certain age who has no desire to start a family, Jen often finds herself confronted (by friends, family, and total strangers) about her decision to be “childfree by choice.I Can Barely Take Care of Myself offers honest and hilarious responses to questions like “Who will take care of you when you get old?” (Servants!) and a peek into the psyche—and weird and wonderful life—of a woman who has always marched to the beat of a different drummer and is pretty sure she’s not gonna change her mind, but thanks for your concern.

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a lot nicer than what I really wanted to ask, which was, “Why don’t you take Tony outside, you fucking morons? It’s a permanent seventy-five degrees in Los Angeles and you have this kid cooped up inside an apartment for eight hours straight?” My friends’ comments ran the gamut from unhelpful to infuriating. Suggestions like: “Bake some cookies and bring them up to the new neighbors and slip into the conversation, ever so subtly, that you know of a good park in the neighborhood. Maybe they will

feel-good session where there is light 24/7—just like what happens in Alaska for a few months out of the year—count me in. But part of me is nervous that if absolutely nothing happens when we die—if it’s just lights out and you’re not even aware you’re gone—I would still somehow be aware that there is no afterlife. I’d be in the dark thinking, Well. Here I am. In the nonafterlife. In the pitch darkness. Doing nothing. All by myself. What time is it? How long is this going to go on? This might be

chapter, I have news for you: you are not the first person to say these things to us childfree-by-choice-ers and sadly you probably won’t be the last. These comments aren’t things that I can laugh off, like when your charming toddler tells me that I look fat. (Okay, nobody’s toddler said that, but it does sound like something a toddler could say.) You are forcing your values onto my life and I know that you don’t think you are doing that. I know you think you are saving me from a life of

how they couldn’t keep us apart. I grabbed the suitcase that I’d just unpacked the day before and started repacking. Had they not assumed I’d shared my bed with boys in college? Maybe they hadn’t. When your daughter is in a sketch comedy troupe, maybe all you assume is that she isn’t getting any. At the last minute, I realized the Oldsmobile wasn’t really my car and I’d have to walk with my stuffed suitcase to the commuter rail train that came once every three hours. Fuck it, I thought, and like

fight. Did I mention that Amy and Ed were a couple? It was like living with my parents all over again. Amy had always been volatile in college, but I couldn’t understand what there was to yell about once you’d moved in with a guy. So far, in my limited life experience, the yelling happened because the guy wouldn’t move in with you. But now Amy was upset at Ed because she wanted marriage and kids and was wondering why their cohabitation hadn’t brought out that urge in him yet. I understood her

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