Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me

Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me

Chelsea Handler

Language: English

Pages: 304


Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub

"My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate."--Chelsea Handler, from Chapter 10 of Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

It's no lie: Chelsea Handler loves to smoke out "dumbassness," the condition people suffer from that allows them to fall prey to her brand of complete and utter nonsense. Friends, family, co-workers--they've all been tricked by Chelsea into believing stories of total foolishness and into behaving like total fools. Luckily, they've lived to tell the tales and, for the very first time, write about them.

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fucking with you and you’re stupid enough to fall for it!” she yelled before storming off. I yelled after her, “But what if they’re not?! I have to be in Time magazine, Shannon!” I decided to hang back a bit and let her cool off. At least I hoped she was going to cool off. Needless to say, the pool boys hadn’t been by to rotate my umbrella recently—they wanted no part of our marital problems. I got up and glared at the nearest pool boy as I struggled to rotate the umbrella myself. Then I

From: Johnny Milord Friday, September 26, 2008, 12:00 PM Subject: RE: Sunday, Sept 28: Wilshire Closed Between Fairfax and San Vicente I could come out to the desert. From: Kenneth Falcon Friday, September 26, 2008, 1:43 PM Subject: RE: Sunday, Sept 28: Wilshire Closed Between Fairfax and San Vicente It’s actually a working weekend. My partner and I are putting one of our places in Palm Springs for sale this weekend and we need to wrap up some things before we meet with our

production assistant, Ian, saying, “Welcome to the team, buddy. I love what you’re wearing today. I think we’re going to hit it off. What size shoe do you wear? XOXO Johnny.” Ted didn’t give a shit when “I” e-mailed the new production assistant, but when it came to corporate officers, it seemed Chelsea had gone way too far. Ted and I were on the same page here, and I don’t always agree with him. For example, I would never wear monogrammed shirts or get my jeans pressed. But he was right. This

seriously any department that specializes in monitoring me. Much like the gays in the South, the more the powers that be say no, the more I say, “Fuck off.” I have included what I consider to be the ten most amusing e-mail exchanges of this kind. Sincerely, Chesty FROM: E! Entertainment Television SENT: Monday, December 20, 2010, 1:50 PM TO: Chelsea Lately Staff SUBJECT: S&P Note for CL: jokes 5181 One S&P heads-up on today’s script: TOPIC #4 Vagina Steaming “Queef” will need to

Jax and his lesbian moms ended up moving into our summer house. On top of that, Mom’s brother Uncle Roy moved in with—get this—a fucking Jack Russell asshole who yapped from morning till night. Luckily, my mother got sick of that dog just as quickly as I did and had it transported on a pet airline to her sister Shoshanna in New Jersey. If I never see that dog again, it will be too soon. On top of that, our quiet little abode soon became Grand Central Station for all of Mom’s idiotic staff. It

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