Mostly Autobiographical: A Collection of 100% True Stories . . . Sort of
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
What’s it like to wait tables in space? What’s so hard about buying a green Power Rangers piñata? Do you believe in the magical properties of crystals? Are you sure you’re not my old friend Rich?
Read the answers to all of these questions, and even more questions, but not as many more answers, just a lot of questions really, as told by the mostly autobiographical ramblings of Rob G. Rob attacks the minutia of contemporary life through the eyes of a twenty-something-year-old trying to figure out his place on planet Earth.
Like, are you sure those volleyballs weren’t looking at me funny? Or, did you say you wanted dressing on the side? Because I didn’t hear you the first time. Or the second time. But on the side, right? Rob takes the smallest of human interactions and tries to figure out, why are we doing what we’re doing? Did you mean what you meant to say? Or were you getting at something else? And are you sure those volleyballs weren’t looking at me funny?
From the daily posts of his blog - www.strictlyautobiographical.com - to his long drawn-out comments on reddit, Rob G. now extends the reading experience to book-length proportions. Learn the best way to order steak at a steakhouse. Or find out how you’d survive being stuck in an elevator with five other people for an extended period of time. If it’s happened in real life, you’ll probably find it in Mostly Autobiographical. Or you’ll find something else. Either one.
try to convince everyone that the plane was too heavy to carry the whole group. How would you live with all of that guilt? How would anybody ever want to be friends with you ever again? Nope, there’s no way that I’m ever going skydiving. Never. And I never even want to be friends with anybody who ever wants to go skydiving. So never ask me. Because I’ll hang up the phone midsentence and I’ll delete your number from my contacts. And that will be it. It’ll be like I never knew you in the first
everyone that we didn’t have too much time before it spoiled. In which case I’d insist on a lottery. It would be silly to try and divide the last piece. First of all, nobody had a knife. It would be a mess. Secondly, there’s no way one sixth of a slice of pizza is going to satisfy anybody’s hunger. Better to give it away to one person. Of course I’d rig the results. But everyone would be so famished, delusional with hunger, that they wouldn’t be paying attention to me fixing the contest. Only I
assume I’m getting this job, right? Or is that going to come off as too aggressive? No, they want aggressive. Do they want aggressive? Or do they want humble? Humble but strong. Strong but sensitive. Sensitive but with enough of a thick skin to not overly reveal too much sensitivity. Smart. Funny. Not too funny. Funny enough where people look forward to interacting with me but not too funny to be seen as a distraction from work. Just kind of amiable. Aggressively entertaining, in a subtle but
pet peeve, pulling somebody over, somebody who knows they were speeding, and they roll down the window and they’re like, “Huh? Problem?” So I don’t say anything. And he just looks at me for a minute, and then finally he’s like, “You want to play games? Are you fucking high?” and I’m like, shit, thanks a lot, reddit. I try to tell him, “No, officer, sorry. It’s just that, I read this thing on the Internet about waving to a cop as you pass by. I’m sorry.” And he just goes, “License and
easy job, the hand cradling the bottle jerked down a bit. The result was that half of the bottle splashed out directly on top of two of the guys. Like, they were soaked. Like, I couldn’t even try to clean anything up because it was all over the both of them. It looked like they had just gotten out of a red wine shower. What a disaster. I comped the bottle and told the manager that these guys had a little too much to drink at the bar. Crisis averted. Maybe one day I’m going to go into work and