My Boyfriend Barfed in My Handbag . . . and Other Things You Can't Ask Martha

My Boyfriend Barfed in My Handbag . . . and Other Things You Can't Ask Martha

Jolie Kerr

Language: English

Pages: 256

ISBN: 0142196932

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub


NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER

“Wise and funny. . . . The Lorrie Moore short story, or the Tina Fey memoir, of cleaning tutorials.”—Dwight Garner, The New York Times
 
“Thrillingly titled. . . . For a generation overwhelmed not just by dust bunnies, but by bong water on the carpet, pee stains on the ceiling and vomit seemingly everywhere, Jolie Kerr dispenses cleaning advice free of judgment. . . . A Mrs. Beeton for the postcollege set.” —Penelope Green, The New York Times
 
Jolie Kerr really cuts through the grease and grime with her new book. I do what she tells me to do.
—Amy Sedaris
 
The author of the hit column “Ask a Clean Person” offers a hilarious and practical guide to cleaning up life’s little emergencies
 
Life is filled with spills, odors, and those oh-so embarrassing stains you just can’t tell your parents about. And let’s be honest: no one is going to ask Martha Stewart what to do when your boyfriend barfs in your handbag.
 
Thankfully, Jolie Kerr has both staggering cleaning knowledge and a sense of humor. With signature sass and straight talk, Jolie takes on questions ranging from the basic—how do I use a mop? —to the esoteric—what should I do when bottles of homebrewed ginger beer explode in my kitchen? My Boyfriend Barfed in My Handbag proves that even the most nightmarish cleaning conundrums can be solved with a smile, the right supplies, and a little music.

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you about two bucks. A small price to pay to protect your precious eyes, yes? Yes. Goggles, wear ’em. And finally, a brief word on Magic Erasers. I love Magic Erasers! Magic Erasers do just what the name suggests: magically erase stains and scuffs from all manner of surfaces and are fabulous on walls (less so on ceilings because of the reaching factor), but there are some things you need to be aware of before you go about Magic Erasing things willy-nilly: you must promise that any time you even

scratching the surfaces you’re trying to clean up. The Uninvited Mushroom What I thought was a dead bug (ew) on the top of our windowsill turned out to be a mushroom. Growing out of a sizable crack in the ledge. “Ew” turns to “WTF?” There’s always been water damage to the wall by the window—we live on the top floor and it’s been unusually rainy to boot—but we’ve never smelled anything peculiar before, or had any mysterious symptoms. This is the weirdest thing I’ve encountered. Since we never

specific and less horrifying hair-related cleaning topics. But back to that hair: it’s . . . a big problem, those hairbleweeds that go drifting about the home if one isn’t ever mindful of staying one step ahead of migrating clumps of hair. Now, then, you may think I’m being harsh here, but I’ve got a headful of Rapunzel hair that just loves to detach itself from my head and go roaming all around my apartment, so I’m speaking from a place of empathy, truly. And the best cure I can prescribe is a

but will read and be all, “Oh sweet Sassoon, why haven’t I ever cleaned my hairbrush ew ew ew I need to go clean my hairbrush RIGHT NOW.” Right? Right. Hairbrush Gunk Removal How do you clean your hair brush? Mine always ends up with this gunky, gray gross stuff at the bottom of the bristles which I assume is a combination of dirt and dead skin held together by old sweat. GROSS. This brush is a cushion hairbrush, but I have the same problem with my round hairbrushes. How do I clean it so that

quick note on deodorant residue/staining: if you use a deodorant that’s left behind white residue, you likely don’t need a special stain treatment for it—just rub the fabric of the bra against itself while submerged in the sudsy water. Gel-style deodorants may leave behind an oily residue that causes a darkening of the fabric. If that’s what you’ve got going on, you’ll want to grab a product that will treat oily stains, like Lestoil or Pine-Sol. Because the items you’re cleaning are so delicate,

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