Now That's Funny!: Jokes and Stories from the Man Who Keeps America Laughing

Now That's Funny!: Jokes and Stories from the Man Who Keeps America Laughing

Language: English

Pages: 224

ISBN: 160652500X

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub

Now That's Funny features the funniest collection of jokes and stories by noted humor editor from Reader's Digest Magazine, Andy Simmons.

Every year, Reader’s Digest readers send in tens of thousands of jokes and funny anecdotes, in their quest for a $100 check and, as an extra benefit, eternal glory: to have their joke published in the world’s best-read magazine. One man is stopping them from their quest. Andy Simmons.


It takes a sense of humor. And Andy certainly has that. Not only is he the arbiter of all things funny in Reader’s Digest; he is their Mark Twain, Bill Cosby, and even their David Sedaris. In other words, Andy is the guy Reader’s Digest turns to whenever they need a funny story all of America can appreciate. He’s perfect for the job. Andy takes great delight in the funny and oddball side of everyday life. In Now That’s Funny!, Andy presents his most popular, funniest writings on all things America, some exclusive and all-new, some taken from the award-winning pages of Reader’s Digest.


You’ll discover the Andy that goes out and tries things. His first-person tales of taking dance lessons, participating in a Revolutionary War reenactment, and even taking stand-up comedy lessons are some of the funniest articles to ever appear in Reader’s Digest.


Then you discover the Andy that observes America. His roundups of dumb criminals, crazy lawsuits, ridiculous excuses and out-of-touch scientific research will have you roaring with laughter -- and feeling much better about yourself.


Then there’s Andy, the family man. You’ll laugh out loud as he goes in search of his inner macho --or for the next stop on his vacation, if only he can find the directions. And Andy’s observations on marriage and fatherhood are as accurate as they are funny.


Finally, there’s Andy the jokester. Here are tales from the job of trying to think, act, and be funny every workday, no matter what the dog did this morning on the rug. Tales of his sit-downs with comic legends from Robin Williams to Woody Allen will have you in stitches. Andy also shares his favorite jokes -- many of them too edgy for printing in Reader’s Digest!


Add it up, and it’s a book filled with hundreds of feel-good, laugh-out-loud moments about life in these United States -- exactly the type of reading we need today!

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expectations. “Don’t expect to kill,” he said, using comedyspeak for doing boffo. “I’ll be happy if you go up there, don’t trip, don’t forget the material, and get even one laugh.” Frankly, I’d set loftier goals for myself than not tripping. Andrew was up first and immediately forgot half his act. But he turned that into his act and the audience ate it up. Mike followed, and the audience reacted warmly. Then it was my turn. Hearing my name, I waded through the room, where I passed an old

know, because of my “vanishing twin.”6 I believe I told you all about that. No? My bad. But I swear “I didn’t inhale and never tried it again.”7 And no, there is nothing suspicious about those pills security found. I need them. “I have really bad menstrual cramps.”8 Yes, I’m aware that I am a man: I suffer sympathy cramps. Besides, I also need them because “I have severe acid reflux.”9 The police weren’t convinced either. Then again, “the police, since my trouble, have not worked out for me.”10

him an undercover agent for the CIA who has tracked a Russian agent to Las Vegas. Angelina Jolie would be great for the girl. “They meet and fall in love, but he discovers that she’s pregnant by the Russian agent. George has been licensed to kill this guy, who, incidentally, will be played by Jack Black, but Angelina begs George not to kill the father of her unborn child. In a tearstained scene at the Las Vegas airport, Angelina says good-bye to George and walks to the plane to join Jack Black

distractions of modern life. People are constantly staring at something other than the person speaking to them—a laptop, BlackBerry, video game, Kindle, text message—and wearing iPod earbuds and talking on a cell phone, too. The cell phone conversation goes like this: Person with cell phone pauses slack-jawed, says, “Huh?” and then pauses while something is said again. He now says something, waits for the corresponding “huh?” and repeats himself. In 1956, Congress changed the motto of the United

man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker. “It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.” Joke #9 A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read

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