Old Jews Telling Jokes: 5,000 Years of Funny Bits and Not-So-Kosher Laughs
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A grasshopper walked into a bar and ordered a drink.
The bartender looked at him and said, “You know we have a drink named after you?”
The grasshopper replied, “You have a drink named Stanley?”
Schtick happens. For five thousand years, God’s chosen people have cornered the market on knee-slappers, zingers, and knock-knock jokes. Now Old Jews Telling Jokes mines mothers, fathers, bubbies, and zaydes for comic gelt. What we get are jokes that are funnier than a pie in the punim: Abie and Becky jokes; hilarious rabbi, doctor, and mohel tales; and those bits just for Mom (Q: What’s the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler? A: Eventually a Rottweiler will let go!). Some are just naughty and some are downright bawdy—but either way you’ll laugh till you plotz. With Borscht Belt gags from Brooklyn to Bel Air to Boca, Old Jews Telling Jokes is like chicken soup for your funny bone. I mean, would it kill you to laugh a little?
born, I will bequeath her a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a town house, a beachfront villa, and two million dollars in cash. “If a boy is born, my legacy will be a few factories and four million dollars. “If it’s twins, they will receive a factory and two million dollars each. “However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?” At this point, the father, who has remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You try again.” LARRY
People walking around naked. The men walking around hanging like this.” “No kidding?” She says, “Yeah, then you know what happened?” “What happened?” “One of the men came over to the blanket. Sarah took one look and had a stroke.” She says, “Oh my God!” “Then Sadie had a look and had a stroke!” “You, Becky, are you all right?” “Me?” she says. “I wouldn’t touch that thing!” MICHAEL BERGMAN According to Mr. Bergman, his first full sentence was “A priest, a minister, and a rabbi
and complaining. In truth, Jewish men do have a commandment to reproduce. Consequently, during his wife’s fertile period, theoretically, he shouldn’t, shall we say, waste the seed. But outside of that commandment, the Halacha is fairly supportive of husbands and wives doing whatever they find mutually enjoyable. “Honey, what do you mean you don’t like to do it? The Halacha is very supportive of it. My birthday? That isn’t for like eight months!” I don’t know, maybe the Halacha argument will
it’s used and there a little rip in the lining. Look here.” Rose responds, “All right already. The last pigeon, number seventeen? His left foot, it slips a little.” Jim Rosenthal Car Troubles There’s a penguin who is driving his car home. All of a sudden, the car starts to act up. So he pulls into a garage and he tells the mechanic, “It’s not operating.” The mechanic says, “I’ll have to have an hour at least to diagnose the problem.” So the penguin goes into town to kill some time. He
takes them to another shed and says, “This is my synagogue. This is where I pray.” One of the guys looks around and sees that there’s another shed in the distance. He says, “What’s that over there?” He says, “That’s the other synagogue. I don’t go there.” RICHARD LEVINE Richard Levine was born in Brooklyn (a hotbed of talent for joke tellers of this generation). He is semiretired from his business of printing forms and labels for clinical drug studies for the pharmaceutical industry.