Out of Whack
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From the author of How to Rescue a Dead Princess comes Out of Whack, an outrageous comedy about friendship, love, following your dreams, and other really scary stuff. Seth Trexler has two goals in life: to find success with his off-the-wall sketch comedy troupe, and to win the girl of his dreams. But when you suffer from brain-erasing stage fright and an incredible female-phobia, those goals can be a bit tricky to attain. With his best friend Travis at his side, Seth struggles to overcome his fears (along with the 2,873 other roadblocks in the path to success) in this hilariously demented yet heartfelt tale. But don't read it for the laughs. And don't read it for the heartfelt parts. Read it for the sex scene, which proves that even if you're filled with ravenous animal passion, trying to dramatically tear off somebody's underwear can only lead to wedgies.
to him, but they were all variations of “Ow!” “I don’t like people talking about me when I’m not around!” Kirk informed me, apparently to make sure I hadn’t mistaken his punch for one of encouragement. Then he kicked me in the face, leaving a huge red mark and traces of the gum that was stuck to the bottom of his shoe. I heard a girl gasp. Somebody else laughed. Since I was long out of my Really Stupid Phase, this wasn’t the kind of laughter I wanted to hear. Now, I could have just lay there
my crib and scream, scream, scream. When my parents would come in to see what was the matter with me, I would giggle and carry on like it was the most fun I’d ever had. After they returned to enjoy the average of forty-five non-consecutive minutes of sleep that they got each night, I’d start kicking the crib again. Dad was getting to the point where he didn’t trust the new voices in his head not to tell him to smother me with a pillow. Like my birth, I don’t remember my second birthday, but it
to purchase, and that 66.6% of my teachers were blithering incompetents, the day went fairly well. I was done with classes by four, so I waited until Travis finished at five and we went to the cafeteria for a delicious dinner consisting of Ooze on a Bun and cold, wet French fries. Travis seemed to have mostly recovered from the trauma of last night (at least he was eating solid foods again), and after our meal we headed back to the dorm room to write. “All right,” I said, taking out my
ancient evil that was arising one hundred years to the day after it was first vanquished. I’d never smoked in my life, but God, I needed a nicotine patch. “Tonight’s going to be fun,” Laura said, the poor deluded soul. “I’m really looking forward to trying to make Out of Whack work. And that’s such good news about Gleefully Disturbed!” She was actually perky! This was incredible. Go a few hours without barfing on somebody and their entire personality changes! Any second now she’d be breaking
in and sat happily in the waiting room for an hour and a half. I hummed a merry tune as I read the six year-old fashion magazines. I smiled knowingly as I listened to the dentist speaking to a young boy: “Listen, Charlie, I’m not going to ask you again to open your mouth. See this drill? This drill goes through teeth. That means your cheeks won’t put up much resistance, if you understand what I’m saying.” When the dentist finally called me in, I skipped cheerfully into the room and had a seat on