Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
Comedian Mike Birbiglia’s hilarious New York Times bestseller is now a major motion picture co-written and produced by Ira Glass (This American Life) that IFC Films will release in theaters and through Video on Demand in August—starring Birbiglia and Emmy-nominated actress Lauren Ambrose (Six Feet Under).
Finalist for the Thurber Prize for American Humor
Sleepwalk with Me is a comedic memoir, but I’m only thirty-two years old, so I’d hate for you to think I’m “wrapping it up,” so to speak. But I tell some really personal stories. Stories that I considered not publishing time and time again—about my childhood, about girls I made out with when I was thirteen, about my parents, and, of course, about my bouts with sleepwalking. Bring this book to bed. And sleepwalk with me.
told uncomfortable stories. So I developed this habit of telling uncomfortable stories. So here goes . . . I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY! The earliest memory I have of getting widespread attention was at age five when I was shitting in my backyard. I don’t want to set a dirty tone for this book, but it’s precisely what I was doing. Shitting, that is. The logic at the time made perfect sense. Our dog Duffer shat in the yard. Duffer and I were friends. We were also treated with roughly the same
restaurant and a waiter had dropped three baked stuffed lobsters on the floor. But the priest was on top of it. He just picked it up and popped it in his own mouth. Like he knew that Jesus has a five-second rule. The other thing that struck me as odd was when you drank wine out of that chalice. Because when I was growing up, during the AIDS scare, people stopped sipping wine from the same cup. Which is kind of weird, because if you got AIDS from Jesus, you would totally get into heaven. I went
all her clothes on. Then they locked her in her room. Pretty tough stuff for a fourteen-year-old, but what else are you going to do with your drunk daughter who so adamantly dislikes horses? Patti always resented me because as the youngest of four, I benefited from laissez-faire parenting. Compared to the treatment she received from my parents, it seemed as if I had no rules whatsoever. It was as though by the time I had come around, my parents thought, this whole parenting thing kind of does
gotta throw your body at the ball,” Joe would say. And I would. I thought, All you got to do to win is throw your body at the ball. A few years later my diving-headfirst-at-balls technique paid off when I was selected as the starting goalie for Shrewsbury’s prestigious traveling soccer team. During the game, in Oxford, Massachusetts, I went head-to-head with an Oxford forward in what’s called a 50–50 ball, meaning we each had a 50–50 chance of getting to it. I dove headfirst and got to the
means to do it. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have called those guys’ dates hookers, but I had something to say. DELUSIONAL When I was a kid, I wanted to be a rapper, a comedian, a poet, a professional basketball player, a country singer, a break-dancer, or the owner of a pizza restaurant where third graders could hang out. Break dancing was the least realistic of these early goals. I mean, first of all I’m not good at it. I have no flexibility and very little rhythm. On the other