Stories from a Joke Thief
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For over 50 years, stand-up comic Buddy Stein has brought laughter wherever he has appeared—on television, in nightclubs, in theaters, in retirement homes, at store openings, and on golf courses across the country.
From his "green years" in the Catskills to his hilarious appearance on the Merv Griffin Show and the night he upstaged Jackie Gleason, Buddy continued following his dream. He wanted to make people laugh, just like Rodney Dangerfield, Buddy Hackett, Alan King, and Henny Youngman.
But because he had a family to raise, Buddy had to keep a full-time job while awaiting his "big break." And when the break did arrive, Buddy had to make the best decision possible for himself and his family.
Stories from a Joke Thief is more than a memoir. It is also a collection of Buddy’s favorite jokes from his personal archives—many of which he used in his act. They are hilarious, often irreverent, and sometimes downright racy, whether lampooning golfers, air travel, the aging, doctors, or marriage. As Buddy puts it, "The memories and anecdotes are basically accurate. If anyone is offended or insulted by some of the jokes and stories, it’s purely intentional!"
hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later, she said, “Then, you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on her cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, “Then, you used to bite my neck.” Angrily, he threw back the covers and got out of bed. “Where are you going?” she asked. “To get my teeth,” he replied. --- Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the retirement home. She holds her
your wife in those endearing terms.You call her Honey Lamb, Sweetness, Lamb Chop, Pussy Cat. …How come?” The old guy says, “I forgot her name ten years ago!” --- The Elderly Ladies Two elderly ladies had been friends for decades. Over the years, they shared all kinds of activities. Lately, their activities were limited to playing cards. One day, they were playing cards when one lady looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me, I’ve thought and thought and can’t think of
answered, “You wanted to show the battle scene and what Custer was thinking at the time, right?” “That’s right,” yelled the commissioner, “but what does thousands of Indians screwing signify?” The artist answered, “When Custer saw the Indian attack, he was stunned by the size of the hostile forces and yelled out, ‘Holy shit, look at all those fucking Indians.’” --- The Don An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls in his grandson to his bedside. He says, “I wanna you lissena
for?” “I pray for peace between the Jews and Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop, and I pray for all our children to grow up in friendship.” The reporter asks him how he felt after doing this for fifty years. “Ahh, it’s like talking to a wall!” --- Pick A Winner A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother that he’s fallen in love and is planning to get married, adding, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I’m marrying.”
broke up and started laughing. I figured I blew it. Peggy Lord Chilton said to me without batting an eye. “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.” (The oldest clich`E9 in the world.) My friend Paul left town and I completely forgot about the audition. About a week later when I came home from playing golf, Gloria told me that Peggy Chilton called. She said, “Peggy wants you for one of the leads!” I had to start rehearsals in two weeks. I got really nervous. I had never done a musical and really had