The Areas of My Expertise
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Hot on the heels of the #1 bestsellers The Onion's Our Dumb Century and Jon Stewart's America comes The Areas of My Expertise, the brilliant and uproarious #15 bestseller (i.e., a runaway phenomenon in its own right-no, seriously) - a lavish compendium of handy reference tables, fascinating trivia, and sage wisdom - all of it completely unresearched, completely undocumented and (presumably) completely untrue, fabricated by the illuminating, prodigious imagination of John Hodgman, certifiable genius.
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ANSWER IS PROVIDED. You ask, “Who were the U.S. presidents who had hooks for hands?” THE ANSWER IS PROVIDED. “What was the menu at the ﬁrst Thanksgiving,” you ask, “and did it include eels?” Technically, that is two questions, but do not apologize, for I 14 GOOD EVENING shall answer them both . . . LATER. Like all, you wonder, “What will happen in the future?” A SIMPLE CHART OF OMENS AND PORTENTS PROVIDES THE ANSWER, and I am the author of that chart. Of course, there have been books before
Deformities,” p. 142. 81 hodgman WHAT YOU DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THE PAST publicity stunt, Frederick Geen, now 103, rises shakily from his bed for the ﬁrst time in seventy-three years to personally kill the ﬁrst 20,000 lobsters. He turns down the speed-boiler that Red Lobster has devised, preferring instead to strangle them one by one, weeping the entire time. The stunt is a huge success—especially among children. To this day, Red Lobster still offers diners the chance to choose their own
her advocacy is at 95 hodgman WHAT YOU DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THE PAST least partly responsible for the large number of covens in Boston today, as well as the tradition of burning incense before Bruins games. The following September, Woodhope went to Bryn Mawr, where she became an English major and would go on to write feminist fantasy novels. According to her autobiography, Cauldron Sister, her dreams ceased once she left Massachusetts, much to her relief. But there was one ﬁnal vision she held
Tremont Nude 624. Bill Jaundice 625. Sugarhouse Morris the Sapper 626. Nutrition-Shake Emery 627. Nicknameless Norris Shine 628. Stinging Polly Papercuts 629. Deke Hidden Hornets’ Nest 630. The Wisconsin Scourge 631. Brendan Headbristles 632. His Excellency Nooney Sockjelly 633. Whistling Anus Mecham, Le Petomaine 634. Talmidge, the Bactine Bearer 635. Tailstump Gunther, the Vestigial Man 636. The Hon. Charlie WeedFarmer 637. Philatelist Joey Licks 638. Old Pliny Dance-for-Ham 639. Rheumy Sven
Here are those tattoos I observed that afternoon at Johnny’s: —A crystal ball: Casualty Actuarial Society, est. 1917, Arlington, Va., headquarters. —An empty teacup: The Society of Actuaries, est. 1949, Schaumburg, Ill., headquarters. —A sheep’s entrails: International Actuarial Association, est. 1895, Ottowa, Ont., headquarters. —A man hanging by his ankles: Danish Society of Actuaries, est. 1901, Copenhagen, Denmark, headquarters. —A snake eating its own tail at a predictable rate: Faculty and