The Complete Idiot's Guide to Jokes
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
The funniest jokes from the funniest people
Now readers can have hilarious quips at their fingertips with this collection of jokes broken down by category and cross-referenced. And if their delivery leaves something to be desired (i.e., laughs), real advice from comedians and some of the nation’s top motivational and corporate speakers will help them keep their audience in stitches.
• Includes more than 1500 of the funniest lines from the funniest comedians
• Jokes are easily referenced and cross-referenced for various uses—business, speeches, toasts, etc.
• Includes jokes and advice from Dave Barry, Wendy Liebman, Penn Jillette, and others
• Foreword by Gilbert Gottfried
• Written by an experienced comedian and comedy writer
to hurt your feelings by saying 'Scram kid, you bother me."' We had the druids, and they built Stonehenge, one of the biggest henges in the world. No one's built a henge like that ever since. No one knows what a benge is. Before Stonehenge, there was Woodhenge and Strawhenge, but a big bad wolf came and blew 'em down, and three little piggies were relocated to the projects.-Eddie Izzard New York was so patriotic after 9/l l. A hooker offered me oral sex for $50-but said she was giving $3 5 to
hear the vows now: "Do you promise to love cherish and never rurn 30?"-Craig Kilborn ' ' (hapt~r 4: Cele~rities 31 Jn an interview, Steven Seagal ~Who Made said his Buddhist spiritual ~~ the Funny?-------, ~dviser t?ld him to ~top mak/' At 6'5", it's no surprise mg movtes because tt would that Craig Kilborn played bring bad karma. Interestingly, basketball. He attended Mon· the spiritual adviser's name is tono State University on a Roger Ebert.- Craig Kilborn basketball scholarship and even
Fey My husband gave me a necklace for our armiversary. It's fake. l requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I just don't want anything around my neck that's worth more than my heaci.-Rita Rudner \JJjJ ~ ~ Make 'Em L a u g h - - - - - - - - - - - - - , Professional comedians spend years rehearsing to master their crah-so why shouldn't you? "It's just like anything else-you need to practice," says comedian Leo Allen, "whether it's telling joke-book-style jokes, or your own
his dog brought him the phone so he could call for help. However, it should be noted that for every one of these heartwarming stories, there's a million others where the dog just sits there like a moron and watches you die.-Tina Fey Experts say the way your animals behave around the house can sometimes predict earthquakes. I believe it. The night before the last big earthquake in Los Angeles, my German Shepherd took the car keys and drove to Arizona.-Gene Perret The annual cat festival began
_ _ _ __ _ _ _ (hapbr 2~ : Put-Down~ 155 Isn't it possible for them to get a real fascist instead of this guy who plays one on TV?-Mort Sahl (about Sean Hannity) Paula Jones-this chick could make a strap-on go limp. -Bill Maher She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B. -Dorothy Parker (about Katherine Hepburn) She turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.-joan Rivers (about Bo Derek) Drew Carey is to comedy what Mariah Carey is to comedy.-]effrey Ross