The Million Dollar Policeman

The Million Dollar Policeman

John Swartzwelder

Language: English

Pages: 185

ISBN: 0982273665

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub


One of a series of comedy/science fiction novels featuring slow-witted detective Frank Burly, by John Swartzwelder, the writer of 59 episodes of The Simpsons.

(Unfortunately, no plot summary available anywhere I can find. I'll write one after I've read it.)

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all kinds of mistakes. No, I take that back. I made the same mistake in all kinds of ways. My basic problem was that everything I knew about cops was what I had seen on TV. So that’s the way I approached the job. But it turns out that the way policemen act on TV is not the same as the way they act in real life. Not at all. The policemen I worked with had never heard of planting evidence on people, for example. They told me to quit it. I said how in the hell are we going to get evidence on people

thinking of writing him a fan letter myself. He told me where to send it. “And we can’t ever be hurt here,” he said, putting a bullet through my head and three through his own. After a minute we both sat up. Our heads were fine again. “See?” he asked, pulling off his head and holding it out for me to examine. “I see,” I said, pulling off my chin and scratching it. This was an interesting development. Come to think of it, I had been hurt very badly several times since I got here, and yet I

I shrugged. “I dunno. I just do it.” He tried a few more shots, then put his gun away. “Looks like I can’t take care of you here the way I’d like to. I guess I’ll save the rest of my ammunition for later.” He sat down and lit up a cigarette. I sat down next to him. “No way out, eh?” he asked. “Nope.” He looked around. “So what happens now? If we can’t get out, what are we supposed to do in this screwy place?” I knew the answer to that. “Well, you’ll need to get a cat suit or something,

until they were all too old and out of shape to cause any kind of trouble anymore. And they didn’t want to cause any trouble now anyway. They had too many troubles of their own. The last I heard they were all living together downtown in the Old Cartoon Character’s Home—all of them far too old and rickety to do anything except complain about the food and how nobody ever comes to laugh at them anymore. Maybe I’ll stop by some time and chase Snotty Snail around again, for old time’s sake. I bet I

trash. I fished it out of the trash later and tried to present it for payment again (I figured if I did this often enough I could get that million dollars yet), but they said it was void now. (“See the ‘void’ stamped on there?” “Yes, I see it.” “Well, do you know what it means?” “Not really.” “It means it’s no good.” “Oh, okay.” “Stop handing the check to me, Mr. Burly.” “I understand.”) I kept it anyway. I guess it’s not worth anything, that’s what everybody keeps telling me, but it looks like

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