The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
The Onion is proud to present The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden. In this scandalous memoir, America's favorite politician discusses his early years, before he became ultimate wingman to the leader of the free world. For the first time ever “Diamond” Joe discusses the formative experiences of his life, including his childhood selling hooch in Scranton, his years cruising college campuses picking up co-eds in a Del Rio, the grade-A tang he plowed in the summer of '87, and his "sweet ass gig" as Senator of Delaware. Speaking of his own work, Vice President Biden says, "Amigo, you're just one click away from buying Uncle Joe's tell all autobiography. My sweetest guitar riffs, bustiest lays, wildest benders, and sexiest appropriation bills, it's all in there. You'll not only hear about me and my buddy Barack, but I guarantee you'll pick up some tricks that'll serve you well in the sack. Plus, I'm deep in the hole right now and really need the scratch."
during his weekly Pabst-fueled confession, Fat Gary admitted to every regular at Lucky’s Tavern that he’d never been with a woman. I laughed too, guilty as charged. But as we ribbed him and Fat Gary cried, I could feel the wheels turning in my head, planning to help the poor guy punch his ticket for the bone dance. My special friend Sapphire at the Pink Rhino had a hook-up in Nevada, and we got Fat Gary an hour with two Thai girls for just 500 simoleons. Much as I enjoy the open road, even in
middle of the festivities, so to speak, so I quickly tied a bedsheet to her radiator and rappelled down the side of the house. She tossed my jeans out the window and I was off like a cheetah. • Slip Knot: Last year at Burning Man I helped this dude I met named Vision rig up the ropes for this 4-dimensional seesaw he built. Poor guy thanked me with a bag of the stemmiest schwag weed I’ve ever laid eyes on. I just ripped one bowl and threw it away. • Half-Hitch: The last time I went deep sea
La Quinta Inn in Bakersfield, CA, so, as you can probably guess, I made it through in one piece. That’s right. It’s been two weeks since I turned in my autobiography and paid off the bookies, and now I’m catching some rays, looking at my Trans Am parked out in the lot, and waiting for my balls to work up another fresh serving of jam to feed the hungry mamacita in my suite. Life is good. So, I ain’t the best with words, ya know? But I just wanted to say a few things here. First of all, I want to
and its various peoples. Last but not least, I would like to thank my Trans Am. Baby, I thought I’d lost you forever, but now you’re back, rockin’ my world all over again. Every minute you were gone was torture. I vow never to part with you again until the day Uncle Joe goes off to that ol’ bearded clam farm in the sky. I love you, baby. Oh, and thank you to my publisher, I guess. You should pay me to write some other shit. Maybe some sex tips or a home-grown how-to or whatever, your call.
at the National Zoological Park, where he was free to hump lady elephants. Back when Denny Hastert was House Speaker I told him about Dongnose (that’s what we named the elephant) and suggested the Republicans get one for the Capitol building, but he didn’t want to clean up after it. Too bad, would have been sweet to ride that fucker across the Washington Mall. Mike and Eric crashed for a while with me in the Mobile Fuck Unit, but I knew those young pups needed a real roof over their heads. We