The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex. by Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist

The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex. by Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist

Kristen Schaal

Language: English

Pages: 192

ISBN: 034099570X

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub


Sex is the most powerful and important thing in the Universe, and if you aren't instantly good at it you probably never will be and everyone will laugh at you. This is something you should know before even attempting sex.Fortunately, there isThe Ultimate Guide to Sex: Unabridged, Un-Spell Checked, and Uncircumcised, completed in The Year of Our Loins Two Thousand and Ten by Ms. Kristen Schaal and Mr. Rich Blomquist and subsequently re-dubbed The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex by our publisher in order to sell more copies.*Once absorbed, the lessons contained in The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex cannot be unlearned. Armed with the bawdy wisdom on any given page, you could easily spend the rest of your life orgasming your brains out, neglecting your friendships, your career, and every other aspect of your life that doesn't involve constant genital stimulation. To call you a 'mindless sex zombie' would be putting it gently. And perhaps the scariest part: you would be completely satisfied...as would your legions of sexual partners.Are you in? Well, buy this book and let's get to it.* We're a business, dammit! (Ed.)

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the love of my dreams. But I was also overjoyed that she was real. Validating my sanity. She wailed out to me again and pounded her tiny head in the water, creating ripples that crawled right up to my shoe. I knew that she wanted me to come to her. I hesitated. If only that J.K. Rowling pub were closer so I could work up some serious beer goggles. On the hotness scale of one to ten for mythical beasts, this one was rocking a four. I’m not a snob, but when you’re used to fantasizing to a ten you

they are one with it. Bum-bum. Bum-bum. Everyone put their flnger on their taint and flnd that mouse heart. (Audience is quiet.) DO IT! OR I WILL RIP OFF EVERYONE’S TAINT IN THE FRONT ROW! (Uncomfortable laughing and movement.) Verygood. Now everyone shut your mouth holes and listen to your taint hearts. Bum-bum. Feel it? Bum-bum. Say it with me! (“Bum-bum. Bum-bum.”) It’s alive, ladies and gentlemen. And it’s time to tame your taint. (Sparse claps, due to one hand being indisposed.) *

and then it just became bad for morale. The officers pulled me off combat. My new assignment was to dig a secret hole connecting China and the States. I got an acid blaster, a portable cipher drill, and some alone time. Five days later I was lost in Pakistan. I should have dug east. Never did have a good sense of direction. In Pakistan I got myself straightened out. On the outskirts of Karachi they were trafficking gazellemos. I traded my digging equipment and a few privileged military secrets

synthesizer. It brought the dunk down. I began developing a bond with Solar that was new to me. Romance was a term I overheard a babbling cranked-up geezer mention, something about flowers and fingering. Not sure what a fingering is. But there was something between Solar and myself that transcended the daily interactions and ching transactions. We were living a life in defiance of the law. We were breaking rules ingrained in us since our conception, and there were certain body parts that were

Medici ‘the Magniflcent’: Palazzo Medici-Riccardi, Florence, Italy: BAL. Vitruvian man: IS. Bonnie and Clyde: AP. Rosie the Riveter: AP. AIDS quilt: Robert Pattinson: AP. Giacomo Casanova, Ismael Mengs: Prlvate Collection: Archives Charmet; Portrait of the Marquis de Sade Surrounded by Devils: Prlvate Collection: BAL. Cleopatra: IS. Catherine the Great, Johann Baptist Lampi; Hermitage, St. Petersburg, Russia; Portrait of Emily Dickinson (1830-86) as a Child: Prlvate Collection: BAL. Liberace: AP.

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